Spoiler Alert: I’m Still Alive

So I was checking my stats page, and uh, this happened…

How’s that Churchill quote go? Something like, “You know you’re doing something right when people are googling to see if anyone has murdered you lately”? [That must be it…]

My brain’s first reaction was to panic and go, “Oh my god, someone is trying to kill me!” Then I re-read it and filtered it through the part of my brain that doesn’t jump to ridiculous conclusions and immediately start looking for the closest weapon.

For the record, I don’t know how well I could have defended myself with a Hello Kitty sippy cup, but dammit, I would have tried!

This led me to consider two points; Point A: I have an extremely common name. Point B: It sounds like someone is looking for a news article or trying to confirm a rumor. Out of curiosity, I googled the phrase myself.

A couple of news stories from last year popped up–articles about murders with people involved that have the same first name as me.

Ok. Next!

Oh look, a bunch of results for doctors named Melissa Wong; I obviously missed my calling. [They’re all alive and practicing obstetrics/gynecology though… as far as I can tell.]

I even went as far as page 10, AKA the back forty of Google results. But there was nothing even remotely involving those three words together.

The strange part about this is that none of those results linked to this website! So, either someone came from BFE of the internet [Insert obligatory AOL joke here] to find this site from that search, or my [murdered] future self is trying to tell me something…

You hear that, assassin? I’m on to you, and your little plan. [If it’s even formed yet.] It’s all over! Give up now–I have a sippy cup here with Hello Kitty your name on it!

[Speaking of which–Ghost of Future Self, why didn’t you tell me my killer’s name? Don’t come into my past and give me tropes with plot holes. Rude. You know better!]

In light of my future murder, the only logical thing to do now is to invest in a sentient, battle-ready school uniform. How else can I feel safe with an assassin out there, plotting my demise?

It’s the only way.

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